Pain

My neck hurts because of a whiplash injury, this also causes severe migraine way too often in my opinion. But there's not much to do about it and the injury can't get any worse so I just have to live with it. Try to refrain from doing things that increases the pain.

My back hurts. The backbone, the symbol of stability in various contexts, is in my case not stable. There are three points where the vertebrae can move a little bit too much causing extreme pain. One area can be so painful at times I have difficulties breathing. Another area further down in my back makes it difficult for me to be standing and/or walking for any longer period of time. I hurts so much I can pass out if I don't sit down.

However...

That's all nothing to the pain I have in my heart.

Physical pain even real bad nerve pain is so much easier to handle than the pain you feel when your heart is breaking. Yes, you want the physical pain to go away, it also makes you cry, it can be so bad you just want to die.

But...

How useless you ever might feel because of your physical pain you know it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. It's just your body that's damaged by some accident you couldn't do anything about.

When your heart beaks it's a different story altogether. No matter how low your own opinion is about yourself it always hurts and you always wonder why they leave you. Why they don't love you, though that might be a stretch. Because obviously there is something wrong with the pathetic being you are, obviously you aren't good enough, obviously you did something wrong.

And you swear never to trust anyone ever again. Never to let anyone come that close again. You don't ever want to love again, because you know they will leave too.

And you know that even if someone would come along saying all the right things, doing all the right things....

It might make you feel good, but you will also feel very sad. Because deep down inside your heart that terrible pain will never ever stop. It will never ever go away. You will never ever be that same trusting person again who took love for granted, who trusted those sweet words.

That trust is gone.

The pain is there.

The scars are there.

The scars in your heart, in your soul - they don't heal.